Below, Colette Jane Fehr shares six key insights from her new book, The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love.
Colette is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in couples’ therapy. She also co-hosts the podcast Insights from the Couch, and the radio show Love Thy Neighbor.
What’s the big idea?
Avoiding conflict might feel like peace, but it’s what quietly drains a relationship. Relationship longevity comes from speaking up early, honestly, and with enough emotional awareness to stay connected rather than shut down.
1. Conflict avoidance is not peace.
I spent years believing that staying quiet was the kindest thing I could do in my relationship. I thought I was protecting us from unnecessary fights or hurt feelings. But quiet is never neutral. Every time I swallowed something, it accumulated. It showed up later as irritation, resentment, or distance.
I didn’t understand that by “keeping the peace,” I was abandoning myself. I was teaching my partner not to know me. I was slowly disconnecting us without realizing it. This is the trap so many women fall into. We think being low-maintenance and agreeable makes us easier to love. But the cost is enormous. The research shows that small, unresolved resentments pile up far faster than big issues. And they chip away at emotional intimacy one micro-moment at a time.
Silence is not calm. Silence is a strategy. And it’s usually a fear-based strategy: fear of conflict, fear of being dismissed, fear of being misunderstood. Speaking up early and often is connection. It’s a daily practice of revealing your inner world so your partner can respond to it. That creates secure love. Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. Peace is the presence of honesty.
2. Your nervous system drives communication.
I tell couples that conflict is almost never about the content. Content is the decoy. What’s really happening is that your nervous system is responding to threat.
When we feel disconnected, criticized, or ignored, the body reacts instantly. Heart rate goes up. Breathing changes. You lose access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that helps you communicate thoughtfully. What looks like “overreacting” is usually attachment panic. What looks like shutting down is usually the body going into conservation mode—protect, freeze, don’t make it worse.
“Survival mode is not where healthy communication lives.”
This is why people fight about dishes, tone, socks on the floor, or someone being 10 minutes late. The actual argument is never about the socks. The argument is: Do I matter to you? Are you there for me? Am I safe here? When couples understand this, they soften toward each other. They stop assuming bad intentions. They start seeing the human underneath the reaction—scared, dysregulated, longing for connection.
Before any communication tool can work, regulation must come first: breath, grounding, slowing down. Otherwise, the conversation is happening between two nervous systems in survival mode. And survival mode is not where healthy communication lives.
3. Your empowered voice is a practice.
Assertive communication is not a personality type. It’s a habit. It’s something you build through daily micro-moments of speaking up before resentment floods the system. An empowered voice is a muscle that strengthens when you use it, and it atrophies when you don’t.
Most people wait until they’re furious or devastated before saying anything. But the empowered voice is quiet, clear, and timely. It’s saying: “I didn’t love how that landed,” or “I’m feeling a little disconnected,” or “I need a minute to regroup.”
This is the opposite of avoidance. It’s connection in action. It keeps the emotional air clean. It helps your partner repair quickly because they’re getting real-time information instead of a backlog of issues. You don’t have to feel courageous to speak up. You just have to be willing.
“An empowered voice is a muscle that strengthens when you use it, and it atrophies when you don’t.”
You can feel fear; just don’t let it drive the bus. Your life changes when you stop abandoning yourself in small moments. That’s where confidence and empowerment are born.
4. The pursuer–withdrawer cycle.
Every couple has a dance. One person moves toward, the other steps back. One person pushes for connection, the other tries to calm the system by creating space. Both people believe they’re reacting logically. Both people think the other person is the problem. But really, they’re reacting to their own internal fear:
- The pursuer’s fear is usually: “I’m losing you.”
- The withdrawer’s fear is usually: “I’m failing you.”
When couples map their cycle—what they feel in their body, what they say, what meaning they make—it changes everything. The partner stops being the enemy. The pattern becomes the problem.
Once people see the pattern clearly, they can interrupt it. They can soften, slow down, and speak from the underlying fear instead of the protest or the shutdown. The goal is not to eliminate conflict. The goal is to fight in ways that bring you back to each other rather than push you further apart.
5. Small, honest conversations prevent big breakdowns.
Relationships erode through a thousand tiny moments, not one catastrophic event. It’s the little things: the dismissed comment, the brushed-off feeling, the unresolved irritation. Most people avoid small conversations because they feel inconvenient or uncomfortable. The irony is that those small conversations are the ones that save relationships. The big conversations are the ones we resort to when we’ve waited too long.
This is why I teach a method called Self-Connected Communication, based on the ABCs of communication:
- Act in the face of fear.
- Be vulnerable.
- Communicate assertively.
This is about taking the time to connect to yourself, getting clear on what you feel and need, and saying the truth early so that you are still regulated enough to be clear and kind. Small honesty creates emotional safety. And emotional safety creates longevity.
6. Quiet quitting relationships.
Quiet quitting in relationships is almost invisible at first. It’s the shift from “I want to tell you this” to “it’s not worth the hassle.” It’s the moment someone starts editing themselves. It’s the slow retreat from vulnerability. Quiet quitting is not laziness or indifference. It’s self-protection. It’s the nervous system saying: connection feels risky, so don’t open that door.
People quiet quit because they don’t feel safe to bring their full self forward. They don’t feel understood. They don’t believe their needs matter in the relationship. So, they slowly withdraw their emotional investment, one unspoken truth at a time.
“People quiet quit because they don’t feel safe to bring their full self forward.”
The tragedy is that most couples don’t realize it’s happening until the distance feels irreversible. But connection is repairable. The antidote is small, honest, consistent communication, the kind that prevents that slow erosion in the first place. When you stop quiet quitting and start speaking, you rebuild the emotional bridge.
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